Have you ever just felt ugly... I’m talking both on the inside and the outside? Today we have so many products available to help us look and feel beautiful but sometimes it is not that the products don’t help or work, it sometimes is your state of mind and your ability to look or ask for help. Many of us know how a great addition to our wardrobe or beauty regimen can make us feel but some of us struggle with finding our own style or the thing that “works” for us. I have run into a dilemma. I love taking fashion chances but only if I know that the clothes will properly compliment my shape, and not reveal too much. I don’t want to be covered from head to toe but I don’t want everything hanging out either because I find some modesty, womanly & alluring. The problem for me at this part of my life is finding the proper balance and knowing which pieces work for me.
Some of you know my story about how I got into plus modeling and some of you don’t, but to sum it up here I basically was inspired to pursue plus modeling while shopping online for clothes that fit me, at that time I was a size 18/20 and going shopping was getting increasingly more depressing for me in addition to my height at 5’ 11” tall. They didn’t have a Big and Tall for women that I knew of and I was at a point in my life where I no longer wanted to wear clothes that I felt were ill-fitting or too young for me but I didn’t want to wear old ladies clothes either. If I found a pair of jeans or dress pants that fit me well then they would be high-waters on me and if I found a dress I liked it would either be too short or in an ugly print with no shape to compliment my body. I am being as real as I can be here because before I stepped into the world of plus modeling, I now realize more than ever that I was just learning about plus-sized fashion and God knows I still have much to learn.
Why in the world would a woman struggling with fashion and confidence issues at the time even pursue something as difficult as modeling you may ask? Sometimes I ask myself the same question but I honestly wanted to look and feel beautiful and after being inspired by the ads I saw of full figured women wearing stylish clothes and looking so confident in them, I gained enough confidence to research the requirements and tried it out for myself. It wasn’t easy learning the industry and trying to 'get in where I fit in' but whenever I got in front of the camera I felt like myself; comfortable, energized and beautiful as if I was meant to really do this! What a boost of confidence that was for me! I immediately wanted other women to feel this way, to feel like at any point of their life they could try something new and or break out of the box and for me that is what I had accomplished for myself by stepping out on faith and believing I can do all things.
My 1st ever photoshoot!
But back to the root of it all….knowing what works for you or should I say…for ME.
I have taken the online body tests, you know the ones that ask you questions and show you pictures to figure out your shape. Oh how I wanted to be that coveted hourglass shape but kept getting apple and rectangle and inverted triangle and so on. It just seemed to me that all the models had that hourglass and I still couldn't figure out what worked for my shape best when shopping. The answers were never really clear to me and I found these tests to actually be more confusing over time. I have read many articles; looked at various plus sized models pictures and watched shows about fashion and styling and though I can say I think I know how to dress better now, I am still not very good at knowing and finding the pieces that work for ME. This, my friends can make a girl feel awful on the inside; especially when looking for the right pieces to rock at a photo shoot to help take my career a step further. I needed help! So I decided that this upcoming photo shoot I was really going to find pieces that showed off my new shape since I had recently lost some weight and am now a size 14/16 and also needed a wardrobe makeover desperately. After checking out some curvy fashion blogs, magazines and websites I was still having trouble so I asked my stylish girlfriend from NY to give me a hand. She shopped online with me at Lane Bryant and I purchased almost all the pieces she suggested. I was so excited to pick up my clothes and the thought of really rock my upcoming shoot, but yesterday was when reality hit me for real. After trying on each disappointing piece, I had realized then more than ever that I have a fashion dilemma. I don’t know what really works for me and maybe I don’t know the right sizes for me either. I just can’t figure this out, the faux leather pants I was dying to get were soggy and high-waters on me and the fur vest with faux leather belt made me look like a furry square box, even when belted and the list goes on and on. I was sooo upset! I know how to put an outfit together and I know what I like on others but figuring out what makes my body look amazing is a HUGE issue! Now as I think back, it has always been even when I was smaller.
After complaining about why each piece looked so badly on me to my girlfriend and husband I blurted out I really need help, this is my problem, I just don’t know what works and I want to look cute too. I could feel my face getting hot and the warm tears filling up behind my eyes about to roll down my cheeks out of the frustration but I held back because I couldn't believe how upset this had made me. I am no longer that insecure young girl that I used to be but I did notice I wasn't feeling to secure of myself at that moment. I really want to rock this shoot and I just know these outfits are not the ones for me and right now a wardrobe stylist is out of the question. So after putting all the new clothes back into the Lane Bryant box and feeling awful about not knowing how to find what compliments me best, I had to release through this blog. I truly felt ugly and not just on the outside but on the inside too. I wanted to look and feel amazing, I wanted to see my new shape but could not help noticing the parts on me that I am still working on in the mirror looking back at me saying this will never happen for you but then I said to myself, girl you love yourself don't sweat it. Now I really see why it is so important to truly love yourself. We all have bad days, I usually try to focus on the positive because I know I have so much to be thankful for but this was and is something that I really need help with and it is not easy to admit. Sometimes we have those days where we don’t feel beautiful or stylish or amazing but how you feel about yourself really does have an effect on how act and dress and I have been feeling great about myself until I couldn’t find anything to look great on me and so I should be saying how you dress really affects how you feel about yourself to a certain extent. I am on a real mission to find my own style that works amazingly for me to reflect this new girl that I see in the mirror. No, not the one that recently lost some weight although that makes me feel good too, but this girl that has actually become a woman looking for the right clothing to help take her to the right state of mind about herself altogether.
Looking back at old pics, I realize now that I was never satisfied with my weight even when I was skinny but it had a lot to do with finding what worked best for me. I was always too tall, flat-chested, big footed or not curvy enough. I nitpicked a lot on my appearance growing up and only felt great about myself when I wore something that complimented me best. I learned over time that true beauty and self acceptance starts from within but it doesn’t end there. I now realize that finding the clothes that reflects the person that you are is also just as important to feeling your best. I am on a mission to find the pieces that reflect this empowered, confident woman that I have grown to love. I don’t always feel so confident but seeing the person I used to be and the person the Lord has blessed me to become now, I have to say to myself “I am beautiful” and actually own it.
I will be going back to LB tonight to exchange all that clothes and I can't wait to see what works better for me.
Most recent shoot (I had help picking my clothes, thanks S.D!)
Peace & God Bless! Limarie
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